Prijevod "1909." od Matoša (engleski)

[Kertaw]

U slobodno vrijeme se bavim amaterskim prevađanjem, pa je eto jadni Matoš, ni kriv ni dužan, slučajno došao na red. Više sam se bavio rimom i brojem slogova nego egzaktnošću prijevoda, pa je sonet možda malo izgubio na snazi. Molio bih mišljenja i kritiku. Original za usporedbu.

Hanging on the gallows. Dry as coarse hay.
Hanging on the prison wall. A wall of shame.
Black villainous pit under it, of ill fame,
Place of murder, dark as the foulest play.

I saw that hem somewhere, one rural day,
For my mother's face had that kind of a frame,
And similar eyes I had seen on a dame:
To what a place had I been led astray!

And in her stead I jumped in that fatal hole
And with her bloodied sweat wet as a dark shoal,
As with tears, my insolent cheek I drowned.

For my sweet Croatia they hanged and disgraced,
Like a common thief, as her name is erased,
For the sake of who knows who, by lawmen in bounds!

[FeetF1]

A very good one.
We want more!

Jedino bih možda u zadnjoj strofi izbacio ono 'they' pa bi bilo:
For my sweet Croatia, hanged and disgraced,
Like a common thief, her name's erased...

Nekako mi 'silovitije' zvuči bez toga 'they' (oni): Hrvatska, obješena i osramoćena (u usporedbi s: Hrvatsku mi oni objesiše i osramotiše).

(U originalu: 'Jer Hrvatsku mi moju objesiše, ko lopova...')

[parabellum]

Odličan prijevod. Da li si spreman pokušati prevesti neku od mojih pjesama ?