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Old 19.12.2004., 04:53   #261
Top Ten Reasons The Stone Was Rolled Away!

10. Spring cleaning!
9. To Squash the Easter Bunny!
8. To prove that God was even the God of the Rolling Stones!
7. To air out the tomb for the next occupant!
6. Believe it or not, God is a fan of Rock 'N Roll!
5. Hey, it had begun to gather some moss!
4. Didn't Jesus say that he who is without sin should cast the first stone? (John 8:7)
3. Let's just say that God was on a roll that weekend!
2. God is old fashioned, He still opens doors for the ladies! "After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb." (Mat 28:1)
And the number one reason the stone was rolled away is:
1. 'Cause it was there (and He wasn't)!
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Old 19.12.2004., 04:54   #262
Top Ten Pickup Lines Used By Adam

10. "You know you're the only one for me!"
9. "Do you come here often?"
8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"
7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"
6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"
5. "Honey, you were made for me!"
4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"
3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21)
2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"
And the number one pick up line from Adam is:
*1. "You're the apple of my eye!"
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Old 19.12.2004., 04:56   #263
"Top Ten Biblical Justifications For Getting Out of Your Gardening Chores"

10. Instead of using Garden Gnomes, place a flaming sword and a Cherabim on the edge of your lawn and tell people that God has forbidden you to enter. (Gen. 3:24)
9. Don't waste time weeding your lawn and garden, because to the question, "Do you want us to pull them" Jesus said, "No!" (Mat. 13:28)
8. Isaiah 40:8 says, "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." So I figure, focus on the eternal--instead of cutting the grass and planting the flowers, go for a walk and memorize a verse or two!
7. Jeremiah 12:4 blames a bad lawn on the sins of the nation, so if your neighbor complains about your lawn, tell him that if he started going to church with you, your lawn would look better!
6. I interpret Daniel 4:25 to say that too much interest in your landscaping is a sign of insanity, especially if you're thinking of installing an underground sprinkler system!
5. Matthew 6:28-30 tells us that a good lawn is about faith, not works!
4. Genesis 3:17 says that God cursed the ground as a result of Adam's sin. I feel obligated to maintain that "cursed look" as a symbol of our fallen nature and need for Christ!
3. Songs of Sol 6:2 says, "My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies." This guy left his wife waiting because he wanted to pick some flowers? All I can say is: Some people are gardeners, and others are lovers. I'm a lover!
2. Hey, look what gardening did for Naboth! (1 Kings 21:15)
And the number one biblical justification for getting out of your garden chores is:
1. John 19:41 tells us that the place that Jesus was crucified, there was a garden. Coincidence? I think not!
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Old 19.12.2004., 04:57   #264
Top Ten Indications that Your Worship Service May Be A Bit Too Relaxed!

10. The choir wears bath robes and bunny slippers!
9. Every prayer ends with "Yeah, God, You be the Man!"
8. The church just replaced their old pew bibles with the ABV (Authorized Barney Version)!
7. The last time the word "sin" was heard in the sanctuary, it was in reference to the hardness of the pews!
6. The most conservative member of the congregation is the Youth Minister!
5. The Preacher refuses to preach without his pipe and slippers!
4. The last time an Altar Call was made, the congregation was encouraged to use their cell phones!
3. The baptistery was replaced with a Jacuzzi!
2. 60% of the mission budget was funneled into purchasing reclining pews!
And the number one indication that your worship service may be a bit too relaxed is:
1. No one in the congregation has ever heard these words of Jesus, "Pick up your cross and follow me!"
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:03   #265
Top Ten Indications That You May Be Part Of An Unfriendly Church

10. The last time there were visitors in your worship service, the pastor requested that the "unbelieving pagans" identify themselves!
9. The greeters frisk everyone before they're allowed to sit!
8. The fact that everyone wears black and has a tattoo of a cross on their foreheads could be intimidating to some!
7. The pastor's bodyguards have been a bit surly lately.
6. The "Free Snake Handling Lessons To Every Vistor" campaign was a bust!
5. When the pastor announced during Sunday School that it was time for a sword sharpening drill, the sound of grinding steel was deafening!
4. The thought has crossed your mind that the meters in the church parking lot may give the wrong impression!
3. The whip the choir leader uses could cause some to wonder! But, boy can they sing!--Especially the high notes!
2. The sermon title last week was, "Sinners In the Hands Of An Angry Congregation."
And the number one indication that you may be part of an unfriendly church is:
1. You're not sure where the practice of using a straight jacket, a sealed tank, and chains during baptisms started, but . . .
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:04   #266
Top Ten Reasons to Come to Church Even Though It's Summer

10. Because praying for a 10 foot putt does NOT constitute an active prayer life.
9. Because saving people from the “heat” is what Christianity is all about!
8. Because this week's absentee equals next week's sermon illustration.
7. Because you helped pay for the church's central air conditioning, you might as well enjoy it!
6. Because your quest to make the immortal words, "Give me wax for my board, keep me surfing for the Lord," a lifestyle choice, just hasn't been as "gnarly" as you thought it would be!
5. Because the combination of sweaty bare legs and varnished pews makes you feel like you're suffering for the cause of Christ!
4. Because the youth minister is preaching for the month of August and someone has to keep a record of his inappropriate illustrations and theological blunders!
3. Because all new sermons are a big plus in a season of reruns!
2. Because it makes your day to see the preacher sweat!
And the number one reason to come to church even though it is Summer is:
1. Because when we say that Jesus is the Lord of our lives, we do NOT mean 9/12ths of our lives!
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:05   #267
Top Ten Indications That A Work Day Is Necessary In Your Church Building

10. The dust bunnies out number the congregation 3 to 1!
9. The baptistery was just featured in National Geographic in an article entitled, "The Quest For New Life Forms"!
8. The church mice are circulating a petition demanding better living conditions!
7. Instead of using the bathrooms in the building, the congregation has started to frequent the restrooms in the service station next door!
6. The plan to include an air freshener in each worship bulletin hasn't really worked to improve the overall air quality!
5. The congregation is no longer fully convinced that the mold on the walls is a "message from God that needs to be interpreted"!
4. Young people in the community just voted the church as "The Public Building Most Like Their Rooms"!
3. A visitor commented on the stained glass windows. You don't have any!
2. The grassroots movement in your church refers to the carpet, not the people!
And the number one indication that a work day is necassary in your church building is:
1. Jesus is coming!
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:06   #268
Top Ten Resurrection Appearances Not Recorded In the Bible

10. Returned books to the Capernaum Public Library--just imagine what those late fees could have been!
9. Canceled subscription to "Better Homes and Tombs"--didn't need it!
8. Started a "Resurrection Support Group" for Lazarus and the "Good Friday Crew" (Matthew 27:51-53)
7. Gave his mom a "My Son Visited Hell, And Conquered Death And All I Got Was This Crummy Tee Shirt" tee shirt.
6. Dropped by the Temple and nailed an "Out of Order" sign on the front door!
5. Took a walk in the country and visited a flock of sheep; giving them an understanding look.
4. Received a "Change of Address" card from the thief on the cross! (Luke 23:39-43)
3. Sent a letter to the editor of the Jerusalem Post on the subject of "Mob Rule".
2. Went back to the garden of Gethsemane and had a well-deserved nap!
And the number one resurrection appearance not mentioned in the Bible is:
1. Took a walk down the Via Dolorosa --this time at a leisurely pace, with a knowing smile.
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:07   #269
The Top Ten Reasons for Using Drums In Your Worship Service

10. The Board thought that using drums in the worship service would defuse the guitar controversy!
9. As the preacher, you feel like you've been doing a "High Wire Balancing Act" so a drum roll is in order!
8. You've found several spontaneous drum rolls during the service keeps the congregation focused.
7. Your congregation has moved to multiple services and a long drum solo after the first service effectively clears the building for the next service.
6. The treasurer figured that a timpani works well for telethons, so why not for the Building Fund Update?
5. Marching to Zion is your favorite hymn.
4. You've found that using marching rhythms during the offering keeps the ushers moving.
3. The preachers' jokes during his sermon, would benefit tremendously from the traditional "PA-dumP-Bump," or "rimshot."
2. You always thought that "Wipeout" would be an appropriate instrumental during communion.
And the number one reason for using drums in the worship service is:
1. The Worship committee has narrowed the decision to purchase a new instrument to either drums, or an accordion--'nuff said!
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:08   #270
Top Ten Signs Your Preacher Needs A Vacation

10. You caught him snoring during the service while he was leading the congregational prayer
9. The last ten sermons had "rest" in the title!
8. The closing hymn for the last three weeks has been, "I'll Fly Away"!
7. In the group pre-marital counselling class, he's spent more time discussing honeymoon destinations than anything else!
6. You heard him mutter something about bell towers, postal employees and an Uzi during the Children's Moment!
5. At last weekend's service he showed up in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts!
4. At the last few baptisms, he held the people under too long. His excuse--"I like to see the bubbles" has you worried!
3. Before the last board meeting, holiday brochures of exotic getaways were placed on each seat!
2. The preacher's wife has posted a picture of him with the caption: "Have You Seen This Man?" all over the neighborhood!
And the number one sign your preacher needs a vacation is:
1. The theme of his Jonah sermon was--"A Change Of Scenery Does A Body Good!"
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:10   #271
Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate Resurrection Sunday (Easter)

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments"!
9. You look really, really good in yellow!
8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge!
7. You figure any holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad!
6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies!
5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed!
4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play"!
2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot!
And the number one reason to celebrate Resurrection Sunday is:
1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:11   #272
Top Ten Reasons for Joining the Choir

10. Your running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.
9. You've just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of people.
8. Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.
7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
6. There's a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it's 12:00
5. The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.
4. For years you've wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.
3. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the preacher to catch you.
2. The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.
And the number one reason to join the choir is:
1. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:12   #273
Top Ten Reasons for Sitting at the Front of the Church

10. Statistics show that the front of the church building is the safest in the event of natural disaster.
9. You can see if anything's caught between the preacher's teeth. Then watch him as you smile and point.
8. There's still lots of padding in these seats since they're almost like new.
7. You only have to comb the back of your hair and iron the back of your shirt/blouse.
6. It's easier to trip the Ushers and Deacons.
5. No one will hear your stomach make all those "alien" noises.
4. You're the Treasurer and want to keep your eye on the collection.
3. You want to justify that feeling you've always had that everyone's looking at you.
2. You're mad at everyone in the church and want to make sure no one sits beside you.
And the number one reason for sitting at the front of the church is:
1. You actually love worshiping God and feeding on His Word!
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:13   #274
Top Ten Suggestions For Christian Halloween Costumes

10. Wear a giant tuna costume, carry a calculator and a loaf of bread and go as "the multiplying loaves and fishes."
9. Go as a pair of gnashing teeth, play a continuous tape of nails on a chalk board and say, "Give your life to Jesus, or get used to it!"
8. Put a sign around your neck that says "Walter", then wear a Wok as a hat and say, "If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can wok on Walter."
7. Sneak up to the door, ring the bell, and then hide in the bushes, leaving only a Trick or Treat bag, an empty pair of tennis shoes, and a sign reading "Sorry - Got Raptured."
6. Go as a python with a squashed head. Let 'em look it up.
5. Wear a black suit, pull along a casket and greet neighbors with the words, "Hi, I'm here to take you to church. You want to go your way now, or my way later?"
4. Dress up as a yellow and black striped leaf and ask them if they beeleaf in Jesus!
3. Hide in a big basket with a miners' light on your head. Then when someone opens the door, jump out and say, "I'm tired of hiding my light under a bushel, how about you?"
2. Wear a wedding dress, and use zombie makeup. When someone opens the door say, " Why not try Church? It's not just for weddings and funerals any more!"
And the number one suggestions for Christian Halloween Costumes is:
1. Put an Uncle Fester light bulb in your mouth and say, "My friend is the real light of the world, want to hear about Him?" Note: this may take some practice, but boy is it impressive!
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:14   #275
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO COME TO CHURCH IN THE SUMMER

10. The last time you wore your sunglasses in church the preacher got paranoid.
9. You're part of the church baseball league and last week you made a sacrificial bunt. That should count for something!
8. Your kids are already getting all the moral values they need from cable TV
7. Hey, inner peace, fulfillment and salvation are probably over rated anyway.
6. The last time you attended the worship service, the deacons frowned on you using the collection plate to practice your putt!
5. Because you figure if God wanted us to go to church in the Summer, He would have commanded us to install BBQ pits!
4. Hey, the disciples went home and fished for awhile, so why can't you?
3. Even Larzarus slept in once in a while, right?
2. You mean they HAVE church in the summer?
And the number one reason not to come to church this Summer is:
1. Sadly, you don't understand how important your efforts and support are for the Body of Christ in your area!
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:16   #276
Top Ten Resolutions You Really Didn't Want
To Hear!

10. FROM YOUR PREACHER--"This year I resolve to preach verse by verse through Leviticus!"
9. FROM YOUR DENTIST--"This year I resolve to finally overcome my aversion to washing my hands!"
8. FROM YOUR MAILMAN--"This year I resolve to stop collecting restricted weapons!"
7. FROM YOUR DOCTOR--"This year I resolve to remove the video camera from my examination room."
6. FROM YOUR MECHANIC--"This year I resolve to stop installing defective parts just to make a buck!"
5. FROM YOUR FOUR-YEAR OLD--"This year I resolve to memorize every Teletubby episode so I can tell you about them over and over and over again!"
4. FROM YOUR TEEN--"This year I resolve to push the envelope on the often misunderstood art of body piercing!"
3. FROM THE CHURCH TREASURER--"This year I resolve to finally finish paying for that condo on the French Riviera no matter what it takes!"
2. FROM YOUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR--"This year I resolve to pursue my life long dream of beekeeping!"
And the number one resolution you really didn't what to hear is:
1. FROM JESUS--'This year I resolve, like all the years before, to patiently wait for you to place me first in your life!"
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:16   #277
Top Ten Complaints From Biblical Mothers or Wives

10. Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"
9. Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)
8. Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"
7. Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"
6. David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"
5. Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"
4. Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)
3. Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"
2. Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"
And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:
1. Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?" How do you feel now "Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public"?! (Mat 27:19)
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:17   #278
"Top Ten Politically Correct Terms For Sin"

10. Mostly righteous on a good day
9. Ethically non-enlightened
8. Morally Dyslexic
7. Good (if marked on a curve)
6. Bearing a strong family resemblance (to Adam)
5. Microsoft Perfection v. 1.0
4. Gravitationally influenced (fallen)
3. Motown Motivated ("Supremes"ly affected by all the "Temptations")
2. Living by trial and error
And the number one politically correct term for sin is:
1. Beta holiness
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:18   #279
"Top Ten Summer Activities Of Television Evangelists"

10. Playing tag with the IRS!
9. Attending the Aerobic Faith Healing Olympics!
8. Ordaining new accountants!
7. Visiting Jerusalem, Ohio, to fill vials with genuine Holy Land dirt for those who give a one time gift of $1,000 or more!
6. Embarking on a missionary tour of the Betty Ford Clinic!
5. Opening the Mansion on the Hill Top Golf and Country Club!
4. Launching a new line of Heavenly Low Fat Salad Dressings. The first available flavor?--Celestial Ceaser!
3. Visiting the Vatican with an eye to buy!
2. Taking some extensive time in "Prayer and Fasting" (which, of course is the name of their yacht)!
And the number one summer activity of Television Evangelists is:
1. Ongoing surveillance of Tinkie Winkie!
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Old 19.12.2004., 05:20   #280
Top Ten Spring Cleaning Tips For Men

10. Just because something is fuzzy and the kids don't pet it, doesn't mean you should throw it out!--Wait for it to start moving, then kill it, and throw it out!
9. Remove all your old, ratty, FAVORITE shirts from the closet and hide them until your wife has done her spring cleaning, then put them back!
8. Washing and waxing your car IN THE GARAGE isn't technically considered house cleaning!
7. Buying your wife a self-cleaning oven for Mother's Day is a nice gesture, but it shouldn't be considered your share of house cleaning for the next year!
6. Just because the dog doesn't die when drinking from the toilet isn't an indication that the bathroom is clean enough!
5. Contrary to popular male opinion, using car parts as accent pieces in the living room is ALWAYS a fashion faux pas!
4. Posting a "Do Not Touch, Experiment In Progress" sign on the refrigerator door isn't an acceptable compromise to cleaning the fridge.
3. Naming and issuing birth certificates for each dust bunny, in hopes of cashing in on some future novelty item business windfall, isn't being particularly realistic!
2. Most people overlook the sanitizing benefits of flame throwers. Using flame retardant paint on your walls and furniture makes using one of these "crispy cleaners" both fun, and effective!
And the number one spring cleaning tip for men is:
1. Start with the most important place first--your heart! Be like David and pray: "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)
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