Nerd/geek humor

[Stribor cumez]

Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks,
incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"

[Porto]

...još malo o fizičarima...

Jednog dana fizičari su organizirali parti kako bi dolili koju kap veselja u svoje isprazne živote. Na svu sreću, konobar koji je tamo radio u fušu je bio znanstveni novak, pa je bio sposoban opservirati svoje goste. Kasnije je pričao kako su svi na partiju težili k Newtonu, ali se on nastavljao kretati uokolo konstantnom brzinom ne pokazujući nikakvu reakciju.
Cauchy se sasvim dobro integrirao u društvo iako je bio jedini matematičar. Thompson je uživao u pudingu od šljiva, Pauli je bio pomalo isključen iz svega toga jer je došao kasno, pa se odcijepio od svih. I taman kad je Einstein izjavio kako se relativno dobro provodi, upao je Cavendish koji nije bio pozvan što je izbacilo prisutne iz balansa i stvorilo zapaljivi atmosferu u zraku, pa je malo falilo da ga Coulomb dobro nabije. To je toliko diglo tlak Pascalu, da je bio pod prevelikim pritiskom da bi uživao.
Ohm je proveo večinu vremena pružajuči otpor Amperovom mišljenju o cijelom partiju. Hamilton je točno jedanput otišao do stola s hladnim buffetom. Volt se bavio mišlju kako ovakvo uzajamno druženje stvarno ima potencijala. Hilbert je bio prilično isprazan većinu vremena, Curievi su isto bili tamo i cijelo vrijeme jednostavno zračili od sreće. van der Waals je imao neka tajnu vezu s privlačnom konobaricom oko koje je i Wien uzalud frcao cijelim rasponom boja svoje osobnosti, de Broglie je uglavnom cijelo vrijeme stajao u kutu odašiljao neke čudne valove i vibre. Stefan i Boltzman su se upustili u neke vruće debate, no svi su osjetili magnetsku privlačnost Tesline osobnosti. Bohra je napuhavala francuska pa je prouzročio jedan atomski s desna, točno pod Oppenheimerovim nosom. Watt se uključio u raspravu i svojim snažnim glasom ometao laganu muziku. Hertz je odlazio i po nekoliko puta u minuti do buffeta s hranom imajući isto ko Faraday dosta kapaciteta za hranu.

A za Heisenberga su pričali da je možda bio tamo, a možda i nije.

[Porto]

Na svijetu postoji otprilike 2 milijarde djece (osoba ispod 18 godina).
Ipak, kako Djed Bozicnjak ne posjecuje Muslimane, Hinduse, Zidove i
Budiste, količina posla na Bozić se smanjuje na 15%, odnosno sveukupnih 378
milijuna djece (prema Uredu za populacijske statistike). Prema prosjeku od
3.5 djece po kuci, Djed Bozicnjak mora posjetiti 108 milijuna domova, ako
pretpostavimo da u svakoj danoj kuci postoji barem jedno dobro dijete.

Djed Bozicnjak ima oko 31 sat Bozica za rad, zahvaljujuci razlicitim
vremenskim zonama i Zemljinoj rotaciji, te ako pretpostavimo da putuje sa
istoka na zapad (sto se cini logicnim). Tako dobivamo da Djed Bozicnjak
posjeti 967,7 kuca u sekundi. Prema tome, za svaki dobar krscanski dom sa
dobrim djetetom, Djed Bozicnjak ima oko tisucinu (1/1000) sekunde da
zaustavi sanjke, iskoci, uzme darove, uskoci u dimnjak, napuni carape,
nadje bor, ostavi ostatak darova pod borom, popne se natrag kroz dimnjak,
uskoci u sanjke i dodje do slijedece kuce.

Pretpostavljajuci da je svih 108 milijuna stajalista jednako rasporedjeno
po Zemlji (samo u svrhe naseg proracuna), govorimo o 1,24 kilometra razmaka
od jedne do druge kuce; iz cega proizlazi ukupan put od 120,8 milijuna
kilometara, ne ukljucujuci Bozicnjakove odlaske na WC ili stanke za jelo /
pice. Iz navedenoga proizlazi da je brzina Bozicnjakovih sanjki oko 1080
kilometara u sekundi (3200 puta veca od brzine zvuka!). Za usporedbu,
najbrze ikad stvoreno vozilo, svemirska sonda Odisej, ide "svega" 45
kilometara u sekundi (162000 km/h), a normalan jelen najvise 24 km na sat
odnosno 0,0066 kilometara u sekundi.

Teret saonica je takodjer jedan vrlo interesantan element. Pretpostavimo da
svako dijete ne dobije nista vise nego jednu kutiju Lego kockica srednje
velicine (oko 860 grama). Tada je ukupna masa tereta na Bozicnjakovim
saonicama nesto veca od 500 tisuca tona. Na tlu, normalan jelen ne moze
vuci vise od oko 138 kg. Ako uzmemo da Bozicnjakov leteci jelen moze vuci
10 puta vise, Djed Bozicnjak bi trebao oko 360 tisuca letecih jelena da
povuku saonice. Masa tolikog broja jelena povecava sveukupnu masu saonica
za oko 54 tisuca tona, odnosno za oko 7 puta mase Kraljice Elizabete
(broda, ne vladarice).

Oko 600 tisuca tona putujuci brzinom od 1080 km/s stvara nezamisliv otpor
zraka - takav otpor kakav bi zagrijao jelene toliko jako koliko se zagrije
svemirski brod koji ponovno ulazi u Zemljinu atmosferu. Prednji par jelena
apsorbirao bi oko 14,3 kvintilijarde djula energije u sekundi. Ukratko, taj
par bi se, cim krene, pretvorio u nimalo lijep prizor zivih baklji,
izlazuci jelene iza njih, te dovodeci do lancane reakcije u kojoj bi svih
360-ak tisuca jelena izgorilo za oko 4,26 tisucina sekunde, odnosno tocno
na vrijeme da Djed Bozicnjak dodje do pete kuce na svom putu.

Djed Bozicnjak bi, kao rezultat akceleracije sa 0 km/s na 1080 km/s u
tisucini sekunde, bio izlozen akceleracijskoj sili 17,5 tisuca puta vecoj
od one maloga g, tj. 175000 m/s^2. Djed Bozicnjak mase 115 kg (sto je vrlo
malo za Djeda Bozicnjaka) bio bi prikovan za kraj svojih saonica sa
1984906,9 kilograma sile, sto bi mu trenutacno smrvilo kosti i organe
pretvarajuci ga u kasastu ljubicasto-crvenkastu tekucinu.

Prema tome, ako je Djed Bozicnjak ikada i postojao, sada je sigurno mrtav.

[LukaJ]

A mathematician says to a friend "there are 10 kinds of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't."

[Barbabianca]

LukaJ kaže:
A mathematician says to a friend "there are 10 kinds of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't."

Pa hajde da podgrijemo staru juhu!

There are three kinds of mathematicians:
those who can count and those who can't.

There are two groups of people in the world;
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world:
Those who can be categorized into one of two
groups of people, and those who can't.

[adriatic]

New Cult

Some of you may be aware of this, others must beware...

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said,
adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

[skeptik]

Barbabianca kaže:
Pa hajde da podgrijemo staru juhu!

There are three kinds of mathematicians:
those who can count and those who can't.

There are two groups of people in the world;
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world:
Those who can be categorized into one of two
groups of people, and those who can't.

Evo da probam i ja nesto slicno sklepat.

There exist two groups of people:
Those that exist and those that don't.

There are two groups of people:
Me and everybody else.

[Barbabianca]

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business.

[adriatic]

. . After Receiving an Invitation to a Mathematicians' Ball:

Augustin Louis Cauchy said he surely will managed to integrate well with everyone.

David Hilbert was afraid he will be pretty spaced out for most of the party.

Paul Erdös asked: "Are epsilons invited too?"

John Forbes Nash insisted on playing n-person zero sum games.

Zeno of Elea said he will come with two friends - Achilles and the tortoise.

Bertrand Russell was wondering: "If the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?"

Kurt Gödel insisted that the invitation is incomplete and never will be.

[valentina]

"Evo jednog zanimljivog matematičkog zadatka.

Mama je 21 godinu starija od kceri.
Za 6 godina ce mama biti 5x starija od kceri.
Gdje je otac?"
ova ti je dobra

[skeptik]

valentina kaže:
"Evo jednog zanimljivog matematičkog zadatka.

Mama je 21 godinu starija od kceri.
Za 6 godina ce mama biti 5x starija od kceri.
Gdje je otac?"

Rjesenje glasi:

[skeptik]

Teorija, to je ono u sto ne vjeruje nitko osim onog tko ju je napravio.

Eksperiment, to je ono u sto vjeruju svi osim onog tko ga je napravio.

Albert Einstein

[adriatic]

Einstein, Heisenberg, and Tipler by John Walker 9th Aug 1995

Einstein, Heisenberg, and Tipler, after equal invariant intervals in purgatory, find themselves before the Throne of God. As a man, they exclaim, What did I do to merit an eternity down (brrrrr) there? God thought for a moment; when you're omni-present in spacetime there's no need for haste. He turned first to E. "Albert," he said, "you showed your species My creation in its most elegant form, law without Law. Then, inflamed by wartime passion, you urged the transformation of your discovery into a weapon of mass destruction.
Einstein shuffled his feet and nodded subtly. He resisted the temptation to stick his tongue out. God turned His omniscient Eyes toward Heisenberg.

Werner, you discovered that I do play dice, and you glimpsed that I have to if anything interesting's going to happen - your last words were, `I will ask Him why there is turbulence. I will answer you, `So there can be Heisenberg'. But you stayed in Germany, W.! You worked on a reactor for Hitler; you taught physics to brown-shirted Nazi thugs. You'll recall that my Son is Jewish.

"Frank, F, F," God continued, "didn't you read my book? I read yours, you know. Does the phrase `Thou shalt have no other gods before me' ring a bell? How about `I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the ending'? You not only wanted to have another God before Me, you wanted to be Him. And the money, Frank...do you know how piddling an advance I got for the Bible?. And you assumed causality - you Frank! You should know me better than that."
Tipler, almost defiant, raised his head and fixed God with a cold stare. "Why are there singularities in Your universe?"
"Because there are things I don't want you to know," God responded calmly.
Heisenberg, his dying question answered, remained silent, pondering the choices he'd made during his life on Earth.
Einstein seized the moment, Look, Old One", he said, "physics is local. You made it that way; I figured it out. But why is there that spooky action-at-a-distance nonlocality in quantum mechanics?
God chuckled. Even experiencing all of spacetime at once, such events were rare. A., your greatest talent has always been not finding the right answer--anybody could do that--but asking the right question. Your generation learned physics assuming I was a great watchmaker; you destroyed that notion, but most of you died off before it became evident what I was. I create abstract systems from pure information, Albert. I'm a programmer.
"Quantum nonlocality is a bug."

God turned to St Peter. E. & H. go to Heaven. Send Tipler to the massive rotating cylinder to try again. Next case.

God hated these Judgement Days; he couldn't wait (to the extent that's possible for an omnipresent being) to get to back to his craps game with Wotan, Jove, & Shiva. Saint Peter looked up from his infinite scroll, "Fourth Commandment: blasphemy--eternal damnation. Send in Lederman and Hawking".

What was it about these physicists, God wondered, as they approached the Throne.

[parsifal]

adriatic

molim link gdje si nasao ovaj biser

cak ni gugle to ne zna

***
oke -

nadjoh -kada sam dao guglu manje riejci tj ja sve kopirao iz naslova pa jadan nije znao

[little wonder]

Sretnu se na ulici stari prijatelji zavojnica i kondenzator. Zavojnica mahne kondenzatoru i krene prema njemu, ali se spotakne i skoro padne...

Kondenzator: "Joj, zavojnice, kak si ti smotana!"
Zavojnica: "Daj šuti, nabit ću te!"

(na ovaj sam se odvalila od smijeha )

[little wonder]

Pitaju ekonomista, pravnika i ferovca je li bolje imati ženu ili ljubavnicu?

Ekonomist kaže: "Bolje je imati ljubavnicu, povremeno joj nešto kupiš i ona je zadovoljna. Nemaš prevelikih obaveza prema njoj."

Pravnik kaže: "Bolje je imati ženu, u slučaju da dođu djeca. S pravne strane je lakše."

Ferovac kaže: "Najbolje je imati i ženu i ljubavnicu. Ženi kažeš da ideš kod ljubavnice, ljubavnici da ideš kod žene, a onda ostaneš doma i učiš elektroniku."

(ovaj sam davno čula, tako da je moguće da sam neke stvari zeznula, ali mislim da shvaćate bit )

[Einherjer]

Ovaj nije bas ogranicen na matematicare, ali onda opet, tko sam ja da tvrdim da spoznajem granice matematike?


Why God never received a PhD:

He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It wasn't published in a referenced Journal.
Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
Some say he had his son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

[matematicar]

Einherjer kaže:
Ovaj nije bas ogranicen na matematicare, ali onda opet, tko sam ja da tvrdim da spoznajem granice matematike?


Why God never received a PhD:

He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It wasn't published in a referenced Journal.
Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
Some say he had his son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Ajme, ZAKON.

[adriatic]

. . . Scientific Jargon


...by Dyrk Schingman, Oregon State University

After several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned scientific jargon. The following list of phrases and their definitions will help young scientists to understand that mysterious language of science and medicine.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph I could muster.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES" ... He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this.

"IN MY EXPERINCE"...Once "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice

nemam vremena za citanje svega do sada pa se sorite ako se ponavljam:

- pretpostavka: zena = zlo

- svaka zena iziskuje vrijeme i novac:

zena = (vrijeme)(novac)

- vrijeme je novac

zena = (novac)^2

- novac je korijen svakog zla

zena = (zlo^-2)^2

zena = zlo