Let's Laugh In English

[Lord]

Did you hear about the blonde who didn't catch the joke?
It went over her head!

[Lord]

Yo' mama is so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

[Lord]

Baked Bean Death

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the Warden. Now, the Warden still had a job to do, but that didn't stop him from treatin' Slash special from time to time. A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair, the Warden asked Slash if there was anything special he would like. Slash thought for a bit and said he would like the Warden to contact his wife and have her make meatloaf for him the rest of his life (which by this time, was short). Of course, the Warden complied and each day, Slash sat down and had a big feed of his wife's meatloaf.
The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to visit Slash and asked him. ''Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?''
Slash answered' ''I ain't gonna die tomorrow.''
The other prisoner then said, ''but tomorrow is Friday and we all know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair.''
''Don't matter,'' said Slash, ''if this meatloaf can't kill me, nothin' can.''

[Lord]

Limerick... Man from Cass

There once was a man from Cass.
Whose balls were made out of brass.
When they tinkled together,
they played "Stormy Weather"
and lightning shot out of his ass.

[Lord]

M.A.R.I.N.E.

Military Joke
What does marine stand for?

Muscles are required, intellegence not expected.

[Lord]

The Real Skywalker Lineage

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father!
Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true.
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio? Darth Vader : Yes, C-3PO. I built him -- when I was only seven years old.
Luke: No!
Darth Vade : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp.
Luke: I destroyed the Death Star!
Darth Vader When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... “Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!”
Luke: Shut up.
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor...! Listen, ten years old and winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer -- right here, baby!
(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)
Darth Vader : I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine. (Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.)
Darth Vader : Get a haircut!'

[Lord]

Cow at Cranberry Cove

What do you call a cow murder mystery?
A moo-done-it.

[Lord]

Your Armpits Are So Smelly

Your armpits are so smelly they make speedstick slow down and think about it.

[Lord]

Why did god create man?
Because a dildo can't mow the lawn!

[Lord]

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move -- I'll be right back."
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" Then the man said, "I hiccupped."

[Lord]

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the congregation to go to temple on Saturdays. When one of the presidents of the congregation was at a comedy show, he saw a hypnotist. He thought, if he can hypnotize these people, he could probably hypnotize the congregation into coming to temple on Saturdays. So he hired the man, and sure enough, the next time the whole congregation was in temple, he had the hyptmatist perform.......
"Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch," he said.

Then he accidently dropped the watch he said,"SHIT!!!!"

Then it took 3 weeks to clean up the temple.

[Dee Pee]

Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a
United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"



A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car
over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just
standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmerand asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

[adriatic]

How bankers do it...

Bankers do it risk-free.
Bankers do it just for money.
Bankers charge a fee each time they do it.
Bankers do it with varying rates of interest.
Bankers do it with a penalty for early withdrawal

[Phil Lynott]

A young monk joined an old monastery in the mountains. The monastery had an ancient library where old scripts have been copied and translated since the beginning of Christianity.

After months of work the young monk had become very quiet and avoided the other monks. The youngster’s soul seemed reaped apart with serious doubts. So the old monk, who was in charge of the monastery, approached him one day and asked him for the reason for his strange and unsocial behaviour.

“I think I discovered a mistake in translation of the ancient codes of behaviour for priests but I am not sure.”

“Well, we shall all go into the basement and search through the old scripts”, said the old monk.

All fifteen of them went into the old library eager to find the mistake suspected by the young monk. After two days of hard work, there was a scream from one of the dark corners of the library where the old monk was reading the ancient codes of behaviour. The scream faded out into a silent cry. All the monks arrived and found the old monk weeping; his head was down on the script. He slowly raised his head, wiped the tears off and said:

“The fucking word was: ‘celebrate’!”

[sotona69]

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN:

NAME _________________________

NICK-NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ____________________

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinny for
300 quid and 90 grammes to Tomo for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a ride, how many rides per day must each brasser perform to support Vinny's 500 quid a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid,to make a 20% profit. How many grammes of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends EUR33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brothers armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN:
NAME______________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________ (if longer,please continue on separate sheet)

SCHOOL___________________________________

DADDY'S COMPANY__________________________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?


COUNTRY LEAVING CERT MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS OUTSIDE OF DUBLIN.

Name: Paddy/Mary _________________________

1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through Paddy Johns turnip crop at 10miles an hour .. what colour was Paddy Johns tractor?

2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout in O'Briens at the crossroads?

3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockrel and 6 geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?

4. If it takes Sarah Jane 20 minutes to walk 12 miles to O'Briens on the crossroads for the ceile contest and it takes Mary Murphy 20 minutes to walk 14 miles to O'Briens, which girl will end up in John Joes hay barn?

5. If Paddy Joes prize hen can lay 4 eggs every morning and his other hens can lay only two each the odd morning, which one will he have for Sunday dinner?

[Roga Baba]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich,pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the
bartender shouts:
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you
didn't pay for your sandwich."

The panda yells back at the bartender:
"Hey man, I'm a PANDA. Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and
reads:

"A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct
black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[adriatic]

Phil Lynott kaže:
‘celebrate’!”

Bojim se da ovu tvoju verziju mnogi nisu razumjeti. Ova je jasnija.


A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

[adriatic]

Doctor to patient:


…Well you should have come to see me earlier.

Yes I know, ... its just that I went to see a faith-healer.

And what stupid advice did that faith-healer gave you??

Patient: ...That I should come to see you!!

[Phil Lynott]

adriatic kaže:
"The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

E pajdo. Jos nikom nisam moro pojasnjavat osim jednom tarzanu iz brdovitijeg kraja Bosne.

[Lord]

Q: What do you call throwing all the lawyers in the ocean?
A: A good start.


--------------------

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."