Nerd/geek humor

[čudna biljka]

PROOF THAT NEWTON IS EVIL:
N-E-W-T-O-N = 14+5+23+20+15+14 = 91
Add this to the date of his death (1727): 1818
Flip this upside down: 8181.
Take away the year of his birth (1642): 6539
Add GRAVITY (7+18+1+22+9+20+25=102): 6641
Add 10 (newton had ten fingers): 6651
Gravity is an inverse square law, operating in three dimensions so multiply by the inverse square of 3: 739.
Subtract his age when he died (85): 654
Add 24/3, the date this story was published if you're british (which he was): 662.
Finally, add the number of laws of motion he created (3): 665.
Fuck.

[skeptik]

Ovo je samo dokaz da je Newton PRIBLIZNO zao (ili vrag?). Naime, koristena je aproksimacija da je 665=666. No kad bi se uzeli u obzir i relativisticki efekti (za koje Newton nije znao), vjerojatno bi se dobio tocan rezultat.

[adriatic]

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality.
A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
A mathematician doesn't care.

There is no logical foundation of mathematics, and Gödel has proved it!


Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.

http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html#topic1

[matematicar]

Girls are evil . here's the proof:
http://www.msxnet.org/humour/girls-are-evil.jpg

[raliSHA]

Evo jedan usko matematički:






i nešto malo općenitije:

Lemma 1. All horses are the same color. (Proof by induction)

Proof. It is obvious that one horse is the same color. Let us assume the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same color and use this to imply that k+1 horses are the same color. Given the set of k+1 horses, we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same color, by hypothesis. We remove another horse and replace the first; the k horses, by hypothesis, are again the same color. We repeat this until by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same color. It follows that since every horse is the same color as every other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1). But since we have shown P(1) to be true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are the same color.

Theorem 1. Every horse has an infinite number of legs. (Proof by intimidation.)

Proof. Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere there is a horse with a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the lemma that does not exist.

Corollary 1. Everything is the same color.

Proof. The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the object under consideration. The predicate of the antecedent of the universally-quantified conditional 'For all x, if x is a horse, then x is the same color,' namely 'is a horse' may be generalized to 'is anything' without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, 'for all x, if x is anything, x is the same color.'

Corollary 2. Everything is white.

Proof. If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any particular substitution instance of it is a true sentence. In particular then: 'for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same color' is true. Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain 'The Stolen White Elephant'). Therefore all elephants are white. By corollary 1 everything is white.

Theorem 2. Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite number of limbs.

Proof. We prove this theorem in two parts. First we note the obvious fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take a stand, and therefore they cannot lie). Hence we have the historically true sentence, 'If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black horse Bucephalus.' But we know by corollary 2 everything is white; hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse. Since the consequent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to be true the antecedent must be false. Hence Alexander the Great did not exist.
We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river. He had two legs; and 'forewarned is four-armed.' This gives him six limbs, an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man. Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander had an infinite number of limbs. We have thus proved that Alexander the Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs.



ako je nešto već bilo sorry.....

[adriatic]

Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad & theology makes them sinful. (Mart Luther)

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devi l to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. (St. Augustine)

[adriatic]

Q What is a dilemma?
A: A lemma that proves two results.

Q: What's nonorientable and lives in the sea?
A: Moebius Dick.

Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly starting on the front of one of them flies back and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles per hour. It does this until the trains collide and crush the fly to death. What is the total distance the fly has flown?

The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times before it gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the hard way with pencil and paper by summing an infinite series of distances. The easy way is as follows: Since the trains are 200 miles apart and each train is going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide. Therefore the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was flying at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles. That's all there is to it.

When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately replied, "150 miles."

"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to sum the infinite series."

"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann. "That's how I did it!"

[međed]

slajm kaže:

nemam vremena za citanje svega do sada pa se sorite ako se ponavljam:

- pretpostavka: zena = zlo

- svaka zena iziskuje vrijeme i novac:

zena = (vrijeme)(novac)

- vrijeme je novac

zena = (novac)^2

- novac je korijen svakog zla

zena = (zlo^-2)^2

zena = zlo

Pa slušaj, Taoisti vjeruju u Tao, Tao je predstavljen simbolom Yin-Yanga, za koji vjerujem da svi znamo, a Yin predstavlja tzv. ženski način, mržnju, tamu i ukratko ZLO

[tamburman]

međed kaže:

Pa slušaj, Taoisti vjeruju u Tao, Tao je predstavljen simbolom Yin-Yanga, za koji vjerujem da svi znamo, a Yin predstavlja tzv. ženski način, mržnju, tamu i ukratko ZLO

Moguće je tek kad muškarci počinju rađat na šupak

[crazyGauss]

međed kaže:

Pa slušaj, Taoisti vjeruju u Tao, Tao je predstavljen simbolom Yin-Yanga, za koji vjerujem da svi znamo, a Yin predstavlja tzv. ženski način, mržnju, tamu i ukratko ZLO

Yin ne predstavlja ni tamu ni mržnju ni zlo.

[Barbabianca]

New Cult

Some of you may be aware of this, others must beware...

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said,
adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Posuđeno od Baphometa 13-01-2004,

[Marko1]

Skakali fizičar, matematičar i ekonomist u bazen i pokušavali stvoriti što veći pljusak vode.

Ekonomist odmah skoči i napravi malio pljusak vode.

Fizičar malo promatra, ali isto ubrzo skoči. Napravi veći pljusak.

Uzme matematičar olovku i papir pa računa. Zaleti se i skoči, ali umjesto da padne u vodu, odleti u zrak.

Uzmu fizičar i ekonomist njegov papir. Kaže fizičar: Evo pogreške, pogeriješio je u predznaku!

[vokaj5]

Marko1 kaže:

Skakali fizičar, matematičar i ekonomist u bazen i pokušavali stvoriti što veći pljusak vode.

Ekonomist odmah skoči i napravi malio pljusak vode.

Fizičar malo promatra, ali isto ubrzo skoči. Napravi veći pljusak.

Uzme matematičar olovku i papir pa računa. Zaleti se i skoči, ali umjesto da padne u vodu, odleti u zrak.

Uzmu fizičar i ekonomist njegov papir. Kaže fizičar: Evo pogreške, pogeriješio je u predznaku!

[vokaj5]

evo jedan vic za matematicare:


x-15=x+7-x
x+x-x=7+15
x=22



hahahahhhahahahha

[Emericzy]

Zašto se ograničiti na matematički humor? Evo malo matematičke poezije:

Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!

Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.

In Riemann, Hilbert, or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.

I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thou'll tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove,
And in our bound partition never part.

For what did Cauchy know, or Christoffel,
Or Fourier, or any Boole or Euler,
Wielding their compasses, their pens and rulers,
Of thy supernal sinusoidal spell?

Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.

Ellipse of bliss, converge, O lips divine!
The product of our scalars is defined!
Cyberiad draws nigh, and the skew mind
Cuts capers like a happy haversine.

I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die,
Had he but known such a2 cos 2 phi.

(Stanislaw Lem)

[vokaj5]

kako je ucenik zeznuo ucitelja

gospodine mogu li odgovarati
da mi vi date 5 ako rijesim vas zadatak u kojem je sve množenje i ja na vase mnozenje pomnoizim sa jos jednim brojem kojeg ja izaberem i to sve napamet


ucitelj pristane

zadatak: 314324*43284*44445*45466=?

rijesi

ucenik rece "nikada laksi zadatak"

ja to mnozim s 0


rjesenje 0


ocjena 5

[Daniels]

Neznam dali je ovo bilo...


Idu na vlak 9 studenta s FERa i 9 studenta s PMFa koji studiraju matematiku.
FERovci si kupe ukupno 9 karata, svaki jednu, a PMFovci si kupe ukupno jednu.
I ide kondukter pregledavati karte, FERovci uredno predaju karte, a PMFovci se, svih 9, naguraju u WC, kondukter pokuca, a jedan od njih ispod vrata provuče kartu i tako ju preda kondukteru, kao da je jedini u WCu.

Slijedeći puta opet idu 9 FERovca i 9 PMFovca na vlak, ali ovaj puta FERovci kupe jednu kartu, a PMFovci nijednu. I FERovci se, koristeći metodu PMFovca, naguraju u WC, a PMFovac im pokuca na vrata, glumeći konduktera i FERovci provuku kartu ispod vrata, koju PMFovci uzmeju i otiđu u drugi WC.

Pouka: FERovci koriste matematčke metode, ali ih ne razumiju.

[skeptik]

[deep in the sun]

heureka kaže:

istinit dogadaj ...
desio se na sarajevskom elektrotehnickom fakultetu..

profesor izlazi iz kabineta.. cistacica ga pita treba li obrisati tablu za iduci cas.. a on joj veli:
"obrisite sve osim te parcijalne diferencijalne jednacine"...

[wasd]

Daniels kaže:

Neznam dali je ovo bilo...


Idu na vlak 9 studenta s FERa i 9 studenta s PMFa koji studiraju matematiku.
FERovci si kupe ukupno 9 karata, svaki jednu, a PMFovci si kupe ukupno jednu.
I ide kondukter pregledavati karte, FERovci uredno predaju karte, a PMFovci se, svih 9, naguraju u WC, kondukter pokuca, a jedan od njih ispod vrata provuče kartu i tako ju preda kondukteru, kao da je jedini u WCu.

Slijedeći puta opet idu 9 FERovca i 9 PMFovca na vlak, ali ovaj puta FERovci kupe jednu kartu, a PMFovci nijednu. I FERovci se, koristeći metodu PMFovca, naguraju u WC, a PMFovac im pokuca na vrata, glumeći konduktera i FERovci provuku kartu ispod vrata, koju PMFovci uzmeju i otiđu u drugi WC.

Pouka: FERovci koriste matematčke metode, ali ih ne razumiju.