Kao anđeo

[Tenyari]

EPILOG: Ovu priču sam napisala iz čiste dosade jednog proljetnog popodneva i odlučila ju ostaviti na tome što trenutno je - samo još jedna u nizu mojih kratkih priča sa zbrzanim krajem. Pisana je na Engleskom jer sam tad htjela vidjeti kako bi to zvučalo kad bih ja probala nešto stvoriti na stranom jeziku i izaći iz svoje comfort zone i eto, tu smo. Uživajte! Ili ne, i to je u redu. Sve u svemu, konstruktivna kritika bi mi bila jako draga i poželjna.

„I always knew my little brother was in love with you. Even when we were kids, he would try to impress you any way he could, often embarrassing himself in the process. Sometimes I thought he did that on purpose, just to hear that cute little laugh of yours which we all loved so much. Despite all of that, all of his silly little games, you loved him back. Not the way he would have wanted it, but you loved him dearly and I always knew that as well, and I knew what you felt for me.
Since the first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew you were special. I remember thinking to myself, she’s got it, this girl has got it. Well, not in those same words because I was four, but even as a four year old I was aware of the incredible brightness that you possessed. You would light up a room just by entering it, and you never even saw it. You never saw yourself the way Jakov did, the way everyone else did, the way I did.
I wish I could have shown you then, all the lives you changed with your existence, all the things you made better with your sole presence. It was so much easier when we were kids, when we could show our feelings openly and everything would be simple and we could understand it just the way it was. But we couldn’t stay small forever, could we? Suddenly we were teenagers, and you and Jakov went to school together and stayed close, and I started high school and tried to stop thinking about you and your warm smile, but to no avail. You were just thirteen and I was fifteen, and we were both still too young to act upon our feelings, or admit them to each other. I wanted to stay as far away from you as possible, but you were always somewhere nearby, the little bird who laughed at my every joke, the girl next door, my brother’s best friend, his years long crush, his everything, and you were my everything too.
You were too close to him and I had to forget about you, and that I knew for sure. So I started dating Laney, and she was my first real girlfriend, and you were always so sad when you would see us together, and even though you hid it well, I knew, because you and I were always connected that way. I knew those eyes too well not to notice. Besides, it was the same look I would give you when you were so close, yet so far away. You and I, we were always one and the same, two parts of a whole but never together and never complete.
Looking back now, I sacrificed our happiness for my brother’s, because he was always so fragile and frail in my eyes, ever since our father left, ever since mom started working three jobs to make ends meet. You and I were the only things he had and I thought myself to be his protector. I couldn’t have taken you away from him. I know now that I made a mistake. I never let him fail, I never let him fall on his own, so when he finally did and no one was there to catch him, he hit the ground much harder.
You know how things were, Laney and I broke up soon, then there was Nadiya and we lasted a bit longer, and you started dating Liam, and both Jakov and I were crushed. Nadiya was a good distraction and she looked so much like you, but she was too different to keep my attention from you for too long. You seemed so happy with him and it took me a while to realize that both of us were just running away from each other. That’s what we did best for too long. But I knew we had to make a mistake eventually. One of us had to slip up somehow.
Remember that time you stayed over when your parents went on that expensive cruise? When Jakov spilled half of the kitchen on himself and both of us laughed at him as he was cleaning it and cursing at himself? You were so beautiful that day, with your wild hair loose and your dark eyes wide from the happiness you projected around you. Only fifteen, too innocent for your own good, not knowing just how much power you held over the two boys that could never be far away from you.
I don’t remember if I ever saw you that young again. Soon enough you had to grow up long before your time. Life’s unfair like that sometimes. It’s true what they say, even angels have demons going after their souls, don’t they? Your demons were too much even for pure lightness like yourself, and I wish I knew that back then. I wish I knew more than I did. For somebody who couldn’t keep his eyes off of you I was blind. I only saw what was on the surface and I ignored the things that were too hard for me to understand. How much time did we waste apart my angel? How much time do we have left now?
Remember how our eyes met when Jakov went to the other room? How I looked like I wanted to say something important but could not find the words, and you moved a bit closer to me on our old sofa, resting your head on my shoulder? I wanted to kiss you back then, and hug you and hold your hand and tell you just how much I loved you since the first moment I saw you, but Jakov came back, and our moment was gone. We never got it back.
That was the day I decided I should fight for you no matter the loss, but I guess faith was against us all along and the right time never came. You were still with Liam, and later on you were too hurt from his betrayal for me to try and pursue you. So I comforted you, much better than my little brother did. He was just like every other sixteen year old boy, half in love with you, half upset at you for dating another guy, and could not look past the fact you did not leave your boyfriend for him. The years you spent together made Jakov feel like he was entitled to you and it hurt him too much when he realized you didn’t share his opinion. The pause in your friendship gave me an opportunity to try something for the first and the last time.
I felt like this was my final shot to get with you, to come clean and finally say everything that was untold for years, but I chickened out. I was crazy afraid to lose you, so I waited for the last possible moment to tell you - my going away party, right before I started college in another town. I am not ashamed to admit now that I wrote you a speech and was planning to recite it to you that night. I worked on it for weeks, and practiced on both of my best friends who were part annoyed by me and part amused that I was finally brave enough to tell you.
But the time was not right again, and I ended up backing out of my plan. When I saw you that night, you looked a little broken. As beautiful as ever, but broken. I did not know what to say, I was confused. For a second, I thought you were sad I was leaving, I hoped it was just that, but then I remembered you were not a little girl anymore and you were used to hiding your emotions better. No, this had to be something bigger.
When I pulled you aside and you told me about your mom, I knew my plan was not an option anymore, but when I saw just how much you needed comfort, everything else was completely forgotten. I just wanted to make you happy again, to tell you everything was going to be alright. I remember feeling so angry at Jakov for not noticing your pain that day. He was too busy playing with the helium from the balloons and joking with his immature friends to pay attention to anything else. To notice what was important. To notice you.
So once again, I was there for you instead, good old reliable Nick, always thinking about others before himself. When I left town next week, we did not even get the chance to say goodbye, you were at the hospital with your mom and I could not be mad at you for it, and when she died next year, it was his hand you were holding at her funeral. I selfishly wished you knew what I told him before I left, how I yelled at him for being childish, telling him you will need him badly and explaining to him how he had to step up or lose you forever, as we all lost you to your sadness.

[Tenyari]

Nastavak:

How could I be mad at him for listening to my words? How could I hate my little brother, the boy I raised practically on my own, for following my advice? I did though. I hated him with all my heart, the heart that loved him so much since he was born, I hated him but I got over it and got over myself. He was there for you, every single day, every single hospital visit, every single missed homework, every textbook you left somewhere because you could not think, or sleep or eat or do anything else but cry about your mom.
I never noticed how small you’ve gotten back then, until you both moved here as well, and your hands were still entwined, and he never quite left your side. I was so proud of him. Heartbroken, but proud. I saw my brother grow into a man our father never was, a gentle and loving boyfriend and somebody who put your needs before his when you needed him too. He finally listened to you, and you seemed so happy for a while.
If I knew back then, if I knew you weren’t, I would have done things differently. I still loved you back then, I still love you now. I never stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you. I would settle for just watching you from afar, if that was possible. But destiny was never on our side, was it? I could swear I still saw a little spark of the love you had for me in your eyes sometimes, but as you and Jakov got more serious, the spark seemed to be disappearing along with my selfish hope.
Hope. Funny word, isn’t it? Just four letters that mean the world or do not mean anything. Take for example the girl I went out with when you and Jakov moved in together. Isn’t it ironic that her name was Hope, yet she never gave me anything to hope for? She never saw me for who I was. She never bothered to know me past the mask I was wearing for her. Hope never suspected there was more to me and she somehow let herself believe we could be together forever.
God, I told her so many times, I told her I was no good for her, but she wanted to stay with me, crying about how much she loved me and needed me, so I stayed with her, I stayed with her and convinced myself it would be enough. Sometimes I regret ever meeting her and saving her phone number. I know it was mostly my fault, but Hope was not the saint she let me believe she was back then. Her true colors started to transpire soon enough.
I didn’t come here to talk to you about Hope. I didn’t come to talk about Jakov either, or Laney or any other person that helped keep us apart in the past. I came here to ask you to fight. I’m here on my knees, begging you not to give up this one last time.
As a final favor to me, please wake up. I never asked you for much Amara, but I am asking you for everything you can offer this time. You deserve to live. If anyone deserves to live on, it’s you. I promise to never leave your side again if you just wake up. Please wake up. I know it’s too late for me, but wake up. Jakov would die without both of us. Your dad needs you, your little brother can’t lose too. So many people depend on you. You have to recover.
Wake up. Wake up Amara! WAKE UP!“
***
Everything was white. Amara didn’t know where she was or how she got there, but somehow she knew she had a choice to make. This place she was in, it felt like she didn't belong to it and had to go as fast as she could. She saw a dark shape of a man and a woman to her right and something that felt like a path full of pain to her left. The two people seemed sad to her and she wondered why. She was afraid to move at all, but something was telling her that choosing the correct way for her would be choosing the easier one. The man was getting closer. His face was blurry, but there was something about it that she knew from before, before she got stuck in a place that was nor her nor there, from her life that seemed so distant right now. Amara tried to touch him, but her hand wasn't working for some reason. Her cry fell silent.
The woman was too far for her too reach, but she still tried to reach her for some unknown reason. A voice that she knew from somewhere spoke to her in the distance. Everything seemed so familiar, yet it did not feel right. She wanted to go after the woman who seemed even further away now than before. Amara wanted to stop her, catch up with her, throw herself in her arms and hold her and be held by her. Before she could do anything, the man started crying. She didn’t want that. She wasn’t sure why, she wasn’t sure about anything right now, but she didn’t want to see him cry, to hear him weep. Amara knew he was weeping for her and she needed him to be okay. She needed to be okay too. So she ran to her left without looking back and chose the path that she was more afraid of...

[Jobi]

Konačno nešto što je gušt čitati! atmosfera, emocije... Nažalost, nisam uspio u potpunosti shvatiti kraj, iskreno pa ako bi moglo nekakvo malo pojašnjenje za mene glupog (može i na PP).

Ako ima još priča volio bih ih pročitati.

[Tenyari]

jobbrecht kaže:

Konačno nešto što je gušt čitati! atmosfera, emocije... Nažalost, nisam uspio u potpunosti shvatiti kraj, iskreno pa ako bi moglo nekakvo malo pojašnjenje za mene glupog (može i na PP).

Ako ima još priča volio bih ih pročitati.

Ajme to mi puno znaci hvala!!!!!
ma kraj sam stvarno zbrzala, nije do tebe! trebao je predstavljati mjesto izmedu zivota i smrti, ona vidi svoje drage koji su umrli (njena mama i decko kojeg voli, njih dvoje su ono sto ju privlaci)s jedne strane i budenje nakon operacije, rehabilitaciju, bol i mukotrpan oporavak s druge i iako bi ona posla sa svojima, osjeti kako ju on, koji ju voli vise od icega, zeli zivu i rastuzuje ga sto ce i ona mozda umrijeti i zato sto ona osjeca njegovu tugu, bira zivot
to sam pisala iz njegove perspektive, mislila sam da bude onako grupa prica o tome kako je on ostao uz nju i postao njen andeo cuvar (ideja mi je bila da su se njih dvoje svadali kad je ona saznala da je i on nju volio cijeli njen zivot, a nikad joj nije rekao i da je ona ljuto marsirala od njega i okrenula mu se nesto reci tocno na cesti i auto koji je isao izbjeci nju je presao preko njega a nju odbacio i ona bi se probudila bez sjecanja i polako pokusavala sastaviti pricu o svome zivotu i u konacnici nauciti nositi se s krivnjom i svime ostalime dok ju on za to vrijeme pazi u gleda i htjela sam pisati iste dogadaje iz njihove dvije perspektive jer mi je zanimljivo kako drukciji ljudi iste stvari drukcije vide) ali nikad mi se nije dalo zavrsiti druga poglavlja pa je ostalo na ovome!
imam prica i prica koje sam pisala od valjda osnovne skole jos spremljenih na ovom laptopu ali nisam sigurna da je ijedna od njih nesto sto sam spremna podjeliti sa svijetom, inace to ne radim ali je ovo iznimka jer se prica i meni samoj svidjela dok sam ju pisala
hvala jos jednom

[Jobi]

hvala ti na pojasnjenju

jako zanimljive ideje!

[Tenyari]

jobbrecht kaže:

hvala ti na pojasnjenju

jako zanimljive ideje!

ma nema problema, ja sam to napisala i trebam to znati i objasniti
hvala jos jednom