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Old 19.07.2006., 01:56   #21
# Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

# Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

# MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

# Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

# Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

# The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

# Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

# It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

# Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

# Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

# Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

# When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

# Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

# 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

# Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

# Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

# All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

# If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

# July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

# Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

# In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

# Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

# If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

# In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

# The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

# When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

# Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

# Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

# Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

# As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

# Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

# Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

# There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

# President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

# Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

# What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

# Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

# Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

# Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

# Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

# The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

# Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

# Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

# A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

# Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

# Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

# Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

# Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

# When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

# Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

# Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

# There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

# A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

# Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

# In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

# Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

# Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

# For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

# In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

# We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
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Old 19.07.2006., 01:56   #22
# It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

# The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

# Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

# The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

# Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

# Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

# Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

# Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

# When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

# Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

# Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

# If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

# Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

# Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

# A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

# Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

# They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

# Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

# "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

# Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

# After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

# Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

# When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

# There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

# Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

# Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

# The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

# Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

# Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

# Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

# The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

# Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

# Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

# Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

# For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

# The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

# Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

# Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

# TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

# After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

# Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

# "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

# Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

# Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

# When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

# Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

# In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

# Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

# They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

# There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

# When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.

# One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

# Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

# Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

# Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

# The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

# Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

# The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
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Old 19.07.2006., 01:57   #23
* Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

* Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

* Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

* The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

* When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

* Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

* According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

* Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

* The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

* Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

* Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

* Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

* Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

* They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

* Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.

* A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

* Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

* In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

* Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

* "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

* Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.

* Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

* Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

* In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

* Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

* When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

* Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

* Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

* Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

* Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

* Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

* Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

* Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

* Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

* Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

* For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

* Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.

* Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

* Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

* Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

* Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

* For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

* There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

* During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

* Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

* Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

* Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

* Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

* Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

* The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

* Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

* Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

* Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

* Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

* Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

* Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

* If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

* Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

* He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

* Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

* Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

* Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

* Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
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Old 19.07.2006., 01:58   #24
# Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

# Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

# "One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

# People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

# When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

# Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

# Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

# Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

# Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

# Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

# People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris

# Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

# Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

# Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

# Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

# Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

# In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

# Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

# Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

# Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

# Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

# Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

# The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away

# Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

# There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

# Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

# There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

# Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

# Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

# On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

# The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

# When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

# Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

# When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

# You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris

# No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

# Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

# On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

# Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

# Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

# Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

# Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

# Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

# Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

# Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

# Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

# The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

# The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

# The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

# When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

# In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

# When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

# The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

# Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

# Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

# When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

# Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

# Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

# Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

# Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

# Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

# If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

# Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

# Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

# The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

# Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

# Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

# Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

# Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

# When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

# Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

# Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
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Old 19.07.2006., 01:59   #25
nove cinjenice


# When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

# Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

# Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.

# Chuck Norris invented the apple.

# Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.

# Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

# Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.

# Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.

# Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

# If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

# Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

# Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

# Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

# Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.

# P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

# Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

# Chuck Norris' paradise is war.

# Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

# Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

# Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

# Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.

# Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

# Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

# Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.

# Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

# Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

# As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.

# Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

# Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.

# Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.

# The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.

# Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

# Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.

# The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

# Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

# Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.

# Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

# On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

# See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

# Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

# Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.

# Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.

# If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

# Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

# You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

# Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.

# Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

# Chuck norris invented the corndog.

# The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

# Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

# Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

# Chuck Norris belives the hype.

# Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.

# When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

# When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

# Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

# Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

# Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

# Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

# When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

# Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

# Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

# Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

# Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

# Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.

# Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

# Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

# Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.





UŽIVAJTE ČAKOLJUPCI!
Il Bestione is offline  
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Old 19.07.2006., 10:35   #26
Puno hvala. Sad imamo viceva za par dana.
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Old 19.07.2006., 13:33   #27
Quote:
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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Old 28.10.2006., 14:09   #28
Unhappy Chuck DeBil Norris

Necu cak ni komentirati, ovo ej vic za sebe

Quote:
Net.hr kaže:
Jacques se na viceve o sebi naljutio, a Chuck Norris je ponosan na svoje odane obožavatelje i dao si je truda objasniti im da njegove suze ne liječe rak i da nije brži od metka.


"Chuck Norris ne čita knjige. On gleda u njih dok ne upije informacije koje treba", "Svemir postoji jer se boji biti na istom planetu s Chuckom Norrisom", "Chuck Norris uvijek spava s upaljenim svjetlom. Ne jer se boji mraka već jer se mrak boji njega" - takvih tvrdnji koje se poigravaju s imidžom nepobjedivog i svemogućeg junaka koji si je stvorio akcijski glumac i karate-šampion ima više od 50.000. I njihovi tvorci inzistiraju da to nisu šale već činjenice, pa ih zovu Chuck Norris Facts.

Na njih se sad osvrnuo i on - Chuck Norris glavom i bradom.

"Posljednjih me godina ljudi stalno pitaju jesam li ih čuo, a ja uvijek odgovaram isto. Neke su tvrdnje smiješne, neke su jako pretjerane, ali većina uglavnom promovira bezazlenu zabavu. Budući da sam više tip od Divljeg zapada nego od interneta, ni sam ne znam što bih s njima. Iznenađuju me i nastojim ih ne uzimati preozbiljno i ne uvrijediti se. Jako sam zahvalan na tome što imam toliko obožavatelja. Tko zna, možda će te smiješne činjenice potaknuti nekoga da potraži stvarne činjenice o meni i tome što je oblikovalo moj život i karijeru", ozbiljno objašnjava 'teksaški rendžer'.

I iako je rekao da ih ne doživljava ozbiljno, dao si je truda vrlo ozbiljno objasniti obožavateljima i svima koje zanima kako i zašto neke od tih 'činjenica' nisu istinite.

"Te me rečenice opisuju kao natprirodno biće, s nevjerojatnim moćima, a u povijesti ovog planeta postojao je samo jedan nadčovjek, a to nisam ja", kaže Chuck i ilustrira to primjerima:

Brži je od najbržeg metka... moćniji od lokomotive... preskače visoke zgrade u jednom koraku... da, to su neke od vježbi za zagrijavanje Chucka Norrisa.
Imam iznenađenje za vas. Nisam nadčovjek. To sad shvaćam, ali nisam oduvijek. Kao šesterostruki svjetski prvak u karateu i filmska zvijezda, (zvijezda ) bio sam presamouvjeren u to tko sam i što mogu. Zaboravljao sam koliko trebam druge, osobito Boga. Ako samo jurite za novcem i zaboravljate na ljude, stvorit ćete prazninu duboko u srcu i duši. Ja to znam. Imao sam rupu u srcu dok je nije ispunila moja žena Gena, koja me vratila Bogu.

Teorija evolucije je lažna. Postoje samo bića kojima je Chuck Norris dopustio da žive.
To je slatko i smiješno. Ali ja stvarno ne vjerujem u evoluciju. Život koji vidite na ovom planetu su bića kojima je Bog dopustio da žive. Bog je stvorio i mene i vas. Bez Njega ni ja nemam nikakve moći. Ali s Njim, govori mi Biblija, mogu sve što hoću - a možete i vi!

Suze Chucka Norrisa liječe rak. Šteta što nikad ne plače. Baš nikad.
Postojao je čovjek čije su suze mogle liječiti rak i uzrok svih bolesti, grijeh. Zvao se Isus, a ne Chuck Norris. Ako vam treba lijek, ponavljam, recept nije Chuck Norris nego Isus.

A za kraj objašnjava da on nije zapravo isti kao likovi koje glumi: "A kad bih i bio, najžešći momci koje sam igrao ne mogu se mjeriti s pravim silama koje vladaju svemirom."

Chuck Norris ne samo da je snažan, on je i mudar.
prestrasno
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THE dzubre is offline  
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Old 28.10.2006., 14:44   #29
jebotebog
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Old 28.10.2006., 16:04   #30
jebo ga bog
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Old 02.11.2006., 17:34   #31
Chuck Norris je naručio Big Mac u Burger Kingu, i dobio.
Chuck Norris je jedini čovjek koji je pobjedio zid u partiji tenisa.
Ljudi su izmislili automobile da bi pobjegli od Chucka Norrisa. Onda je on izmislio prometnu nesrecu
http://karambol.blog.hr/arhiva-2006-03.html#1620722434u
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Old 03.11.2006., 21:26   #32
Prema Einsteinovoj teoriji relativnosti, Chuck Norris ti može opalit kružni jučer.
Chuck Norris može djelit s nulom.

Meni dva najbolja.
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Old 04.11.2006., 02:48   #33
vi ne razumijete da je chuck norris all american guy... he has to live by some sort of principles... i davati primjer mladima...
...
...
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Old 04.11.2006., 09:13   #34
Quote:
THE dzubre kaže:
Necu cak ni komentirati, ovo ej vic za sebe



prestrasno

čita sam to nikidan. ma ne da je jak nego je i strašan komičar
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Old 04.11.2006., 12:57   #35
Ljudi misle da je njegova najveća prednost snaga. Upravo je dokazao da je to zapravo njegov um.
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Old 04.11.2006., 14:09   #36
najbolje kad je u jednoj emisiji citao fatcs
nemam link al moze se naci na youtube...
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Old 04.11.2006., 14:37   #37
eo ga:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjIfmRO_LHk
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Old 05.11.2006., 01:10   #38
Chuck Norris može djelit s nulom.
Teorija evolucije je lažna. Postoje samo bića kojima je Chuck Norris dopustio da žive.

majkoo..
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U najdaljem kutu moje sobe miješam Sun i miješam Javu
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Old 05.11.2006., 18:44   #39
Chuck Norris je bio četvrti sveti kralj, koji je malom Isusu dao dar brade, koju je Isus nosio do smrti. Ostala tri kralja su bili toliko bijesni jšto je Isus preferirao Norrisov dar, da su odlučili da će ga izostaviti iz biblije. Sva trojica su ubrzo umrla od misterioznih ozljeda vezanih uz kružne udarce u glavu.
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Old 05.11.2006., 18:49   #40
ili ovaj:

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
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