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Old 28.05.2003., 13:51   #61
Ne događa mi se često da zaboravim vic, ali ima jedan u kojem ratuju Židovi i Egipćani. I sad dok Mojsije drži štap u zraku Židovi razvoljuju. Kad ih spusti oni gube.
JE'L ZNA NEKO KAKO DALJE IDE OVAJ VIC?
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Old 29.05.2003., 15:45   #62
Question DILEMA

Orangutan u ZOO-u drži dvije knjige i čita malo jednu - malo drugu.
Začuđeni čuvar ga upita kako to da istovremeno čita Bibliju i Darvinovo "Porijeklo vrsta".
Pa htio bih riješiti dilemu jesam li ja čuvarov brat ili "čuvar brata svojega" odgovori orangutan.
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Old 29.05.2003., 20:39   #63
Dan je za ispovijed. Interni. U firmi. Poredale se casne sestre, jedna iza druge i cekaju da dodje fratar. Ovaj stize...oblaci halju...promrmlja par carolija, ciribu-ciriba...prva casna dolazi na red:

"Sto si sagrijesila ?"
"Pa ne znam kako da vam kazem....hm...vidla sam nekidan, kako da reknem...onu stvar..."
"Odma ima da operes oci u svetoj vodi u kamenici tamo."


Dolazi druga na red...

"Sto si sagrijesila ?"
"(tiho)pa znate...dodirnula sam onu musku stvar...
"Operi ruke svetom vodom"

Ova tako i ucini...kad odjednom nastane graja.

"Sta je tamo, sta se gurate ?" - fratar ce !

Na to ce jedna casna sestra:
"dajte recite sestri Mariji da me pusti da casak mucnem zube prije nego sto ona sidne guzicom u kamenicu"



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PS. Ima li koja mlada lipa "cyber" casna ovdje ? Diskrecija garantovana
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Old 10.06.2003., 10:30   #64
Anubis meets the internet
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Old 19.06.2003., 05:25   #65
A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting.
> She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human
> interest.Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play
> the cello everyday in the town square.
>
> In Jerusalem she heard about an old Jew who had gone to the
> Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
> She and her news crew go out to the Wall and there he is!
> She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to
> leave, she approaches him for an interview.
> Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
> Wailing Wall and praying?"
>
> For about 50 years."
>
> What do you pray for?"
> "For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop.
> For our children to grow up in peace and harmony"
> How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
>
> Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
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Old 19.06.2003., 05:36   #66
Dosao poslovni covjek kod reklamne agencije i trazi da mu naprave reklamu za njegovu firmu brokava.
Nema problema, dodjite za tjedan dana i vidicete nasu ponudu- odgovori urednik.
Za tjedan evo biznismena i ovi mu stave video kasetu s reklamom.
Kad na reklami se vidi kriz i Isus na njemu a ispod pise: I rimljani su koristili Matine brokve!
A ne to ne moze. Ja sam veliki vjernik i nemogu to prihvatiti. - odgovori biznismen.
Nema problema, dodjite za 7 dana pa cemo do tada napraviti novu- odgovori urednik.
Za 7 dana eto biznismena i gledaju novu kasetu kad na njoj Isus veselo skakuce po polju a ispod pise: Da su rimljani koristili Matine brokve ovo se nebi desilo!
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Old 19.06.2003., 14:51   #67
Razgovaraju bog i andjeli kamo će na ljetovanje.
Predloži prvi: ajmo na veneru
Bog: ma tam je vruče, nemreš se pošteno ni okupat
Drugi: ajmo na mars
Bog: ma znaš da su tam žene zelene i mirišu na krastavac
Treći: a da odemo na zemlju
Bog: ma ne, tam su ti teške tračalice
Treći: kak to misliš
Bog: pa čovječe, prije 2000 godina sam pok*ro neku trebu, a oni još uvjek tračaju o tome
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Old 19.06.2003., 17:26   #68
Umrli isti dan svecenik i vozac autobusa, te dosli na sud kod Svetog
Petra:
- "Ti ces u pakao", kaze sveceniku: "a ti sto si vozio autobus u raj!"
- "Pa pobogu Petre, zasto ja koji cijeli zivot molim idem u pakao, a on
koji vozi i psuje ide u raj?"
- "E moj velecasni. Dok si ti molio svi su u crkvi spavali, a kad je on
vozio svi su se bogu molili", odgovori mu Sveti Petar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uletila jedna časna sestra nadstojnici samostana u kancelariju:
- "Majko, silovana sam u šumi. Šta da radim?"
- "Sestro, izgovori sto puta Oče naš... a onda pojedi 3 limuna."
- "Majko razumijem to za molitvu, ali zašto limunovi?"
- "Da ti skinu blaženi osmjeh s lica..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Umro papa i došao pred vrata pakla i raja, kad na vratima stoji frajer i
razvrstava ko će gdje. Kaže on papi:
- "Ti u pakao."
- "Kako ja čitav život služim za boga i siromahe a ti meni pakao."
- "Žalim jarane moraš."
- "Kako to jebo te bog, to nije pošteno."
- "Gospodine, pogledajte onu točku, ovo je skrivena kamera."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Prezivio covjek brodolom i isplivao na pusti otok. Zahvaljuje se Bogu:
- "Hvala ti Boze sto si me spasio!"
Ali cim je ustao vidio je oko sebe gomilu domorodaca s kopljima.
- "E, sad sam najeb\'o", rece covjek.
- "Nisi najeb\'o, oduzmi prvom koplje i ubi poglavicu", rece Bog.
Covjek tako i uradi.
- "E, sad si najebo", rece Bog.
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Old 19.06.2003., 19:35   #69
Svadba u Kani

Na svadbi u Kani Galilejskoj, sveti Petar se naslonio na stol i jadikuje:
"Vode...vode...da mi je barem samo malo vode...."
Svima ga je vec dosadilo slusati, pa se Isus ustaje:
"Dobro, ja cu ti donijeti vode."
A sveti Petar povice:
"Ne! Samo ti ostani sto dalje od vode!"
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Old 19.06.2003., 21:41   #70
"Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!" reče Bog ugledavši čovjeka.
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Old 19.06.2003., 22:35   #71
Igra pop partiju golfa sa prijateljem biznismenom...

Biznismen zamahne palicom, i opali lopticu negdje bezveze te drekne:

"U jebote, promasio sam"

Na to ce pop: "Prijatelju, nemoj da psujes bog ce te kazniti"

Igraju dalje i ovaj opet zamahne i drmne lopticu u grm te opet vikne:

"U jebote, promasio sam"

Pop opet ga upozori:

"Nemoj da psujes, ozbiljno ce te bog kazniti"

I treci put ovaj pukne lopticu bez veze i opet opsuje:

"U jebote, promasio sam"

Na to je popu postalo dosta i vikne on bogu:

"Boze, cujes li ovog bezboznika, molim te da ga kaznis"


Odjednom drmne grom iz neba i ubije svecenika, te se u tom trenuku zacu glas sa neba govoreci:

"U jebote, promasio sam"...
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Old 19.06.2003., 22:40   #72
Kako se zove papino govno? Sveta Stolica
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Old 20.06.2003., 12:55   #73
Talking Stolac i stolica nije baš isto.

Malo jezikoslovlja: Ono na čemu sjedimo (sjedalo) nazivamo stolac ili popularno: stolica.
No medicina razlikuje tvrdu i meku stolicu, a kako se za govno nikad ne rabi izraz "stolac" onda slijedi da je "Sveta stolica" (Holly See), doslovce, Sveto govno.
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Zadnje uređivanje adriatic : 20.06.2003. at 16:20.
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Old 03.07.2003., 00:38   #74
SHIT HAPPENS

in various world religions
--------------------------

Taoism: Shit happens.

If you can shit, it isn't shit.

Shit happens, so flow with it.


Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)

Please this flower and buy our shit.


Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".

Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."


Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.

Shit will happen again to you next time.

Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation.


Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

First, shit was shit.
Then it wasn't.
Now I'm one with Zen, and shit is shit again.


7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.


Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.

This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.

This shit happening IS you.


Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else!

If shit happens, praise the lord for it.


Presbyterianism:
This shit was bound to happen.


Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.


Episcopalianism:
If shit happens, hold a procession.

It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the
right wine with it.


Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape
juice with it


Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Have faith that shit will happen.

If shit happens, don't talk about it.


Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.


Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.

Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.


Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.

You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.


Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
anyway.


Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?


Conservative Judaism:
Why does shit always happen to US?


Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.


Orthodox Judaism:
So shit happens, already!


Islam: We don't take any shit.


Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd
better submit!

Shiite happens.


Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!

If shit happens, take a hostage.


Nation of Islam:
Don't take no shit!


Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?

Shit happens universally.

All shit is truly shit.


New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.

Shit happens, and it happens to smell good.

This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.

I create my own shit.

Visualize shit happening...


Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

The Goddess makes shit happen.

An it harm none, let shit happen.


Jehovah's Witnesses:
No shit happens until Armaggedon.

There is only a limited amount of good shit.

The best shit happens in the Watchtower.

Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."

Here, we insist you take our shit.

Shit happens door to door.

Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.

Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.


Secular Humanism:
Shit evolves.


Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.

This shit was once food.


Evolutionism: The world is getting shittier all the time.


Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there
came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.


Christian Science:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray.

Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.

Our shit will take care of itself.

Shit happens in your mind.


Atheism: I don't believe this shit!

Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.

No shit!

It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
to taste it.


Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.


Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
I'm not sure whether its shit or not.

What is this shit?!

I don't know shit!

How can we KNOW if shit happens?

You can't prove any of this shit!


Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Hey, this is good shit, mon.


Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.

Let the shit multiply.

Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)

Hey, there's more shit happening over here!

Shit happens again & again & again ...


Energizer Bunny:
Shit happens and happens and happens and ...


Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.

We'll wash the shit right off you.


Southern Baptist:
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!


Shiite Baptist:
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and
if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's
God's will and we know it...


Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!


Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.

Let's stick some pins in this shit!

This shit's gonna get you!


Congregationalism:
Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that
happens to another.


Unitarianism: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that
happens to another.

What is this Shit?

We affirm the right for shit to happen.

Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Come let us reason together about this shit.


Unitarian Universalism:
There is only one shit and it happens to all of us.


Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.


Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.


EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.

You're responsible for all the shit that happens.


Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.

If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are
born again. (Amen!)

Shit happens, but don't publish it.


Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.


Mennonite: None of this modern shit now.


Anabaptist: Shit only happens to adults.


Amish: Shit is good for the soil.

This modern shit is worthless.

We like the same old shit the best.


Native Americans:
Shit is sacred when it happens.


Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it,
show it some respect.


Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.


Manichaeism: How can Shit be Happening?

There's good shit, and bad shit. But it's all shit.


Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.

Christianity stole half its shit from us.


Mysticism: This is really weird shit.


Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.


Celtic Paganism:
Shit, go bragh!


Graeco-Roman Mythology:
The Gods will tell us when Shit happens.


Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.


Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?


Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.

We will make your shit happen.

Shit doesn't just happen... it's created by an asshole.

What's wrong with shit happening?

SNEPPAH TIHS.


Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!


Scientology: All this happens to be shit.

If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you
pay us enough.


Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Only some can see the real shit.


Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.


Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.


Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.


Lubavitcher Hassidism:
Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most
holy Shit to happen.


Mithraism: Bull shit happens.


Dominicans: Belive in shit, or we'll boil you in it.


Epiphenomenalism:
Shit's in the air and falling down.


Eschatology: You think shit happens now, you just wait...


Illuminism: We make shit happen.


Jainism: Don't step on that shit, it's alive!


Solipsism: All this shit is a creation of my imagination.


Druidism: Shit Happens. The Trees say so.


Branch Davidianism:
May shit happen to the FBI!

If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...

David thinks he's hot shit.


Jesuitism: If shit happens and nobody hears it, did it really make a
sound?


Creation Science:
Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.


Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

This MIGHT be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1973 Mustang.


Deism: God does not make shit happen.


Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some?

Great Leader Kibo makes shit happen.


Astrology: Jupiter is being really shitty to me today.


Spam: Spam happens.


Transcendental meditation:
Shiiiit. Shiiiit. Shiiiit....


SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to
MAKE MONEY FROM IT.


Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
happening...

Shit your way to a better life.


Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
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Old 03.07.2003., 09:22   #75
Talking The shitiest shit

Quote:
Mort kaže:
SHIT HAPPENS

in various world religions
--------------------------


Amish: Shit is good for the soil.

This modern shit is worthless.

Celtic Paganism:
Shit, go bragh!
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Old 04.07.2003., 10:21   #76
Quote:
Mort kaže:
SHIT HAPPENS

in various world religions
--------------------------
Gornji, malo reducirani, citat može poslužiti kao primjer da i cenzura (ako je u pravim rukama, tj., mojim) može doprinijeti kazivanju istine.
Za kazivanje potpunije istine nije dovoljna gumica, treba malo i olovke. Stoga...

Quote:
Mort kaže:
SHIT HAPPENS

in all world religions
--------------------------
Za kazivanje potpune istine treba malo i miješanja...

Quote:
Mort kaže:
all world religions
HAPPENS
in
SHIT
--------------------------
Za zaključak još malo gumice i olovke...

Quote:
Mort kaže:
all world religions
are
SHIT
--------------------------
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Old 04.07.2003., 16:11   #77
Re: A JA SAM MISLIO DA JE OVO ZA RELIGIJSKE VICEVE

Quote:
adriatic kaže:
Ma ajte vi meni recite zašto je Isus bija Dalmatinac ???
Pa ovako:

1. bilo mu je 30 godin kad je počeja radit; a sve ča je
činija je da je đira okolo i ćakula sa judima;
2. Vino je pravija od vode
3. a ako je ikad išta drugo i učinija, bija je to mirakul...


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Old 04.07.2003., 16:34   #78
Koje su bile posljednje Isusove riječi? - Još čavala, kliiiiziiiiim! -


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Old 04.07.2003., 16:41   #79
Pisaju zajedno u WCu krscanin,wiccan i sotonist.
Krscanin se popisa navuce rukave do laktova i oriba ruke do laktova i kaze "Nas je isus naucio da bude cisti kao djevica marija".
Wiccan se popisa zavrne rukave i temeljito opere ruke do zapesca i kaze "Nas je nasa Bozica naucila da budemo cisti ali da ne odbacujemo ono sta je iz prirode"
Sotonist se popisa zakopca slic i kaze ostalim "Mi sotonisti smo naucili da ne pisamo po rukama".
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Old 04.07.2003., 22:12   #80
Quote:
GothicA kaže:
Koje su bile posljednje Isusove riječi? - Još čavala, kliiiiziiiiim! -


Ne, nego je rekao: Voou odavdje vidim cijeli grad!
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